Not Enough Owls

“Hoot” is a film by Wil Shriner, starring Logan Lerman and Brie Larson, which tells the tale of one man’s fight to protect a population of endangered owls.

By all accounts it’s Oscar material. IMDB user BlackCat725 said it was “NICE” with a “good message”, offering it seven stars - which, given the size of the average star, is enough enthusiasm to sustain human life for several hundred thousand years.

Inevitably though, big business doesn’t like it - and it won’t surprise you to learn that during our investigations of Hoot’s standing in Hollywood, the movie capital of the world, we’ve already encountered fierce bias and advertising used to discredit owls.

While reviewers from outside the region praise the film for its “cardboard” (Boston Globe) and “nodding” (San Francisco Chronicle), LA Weekly questions its “posture”, the Los Angeles Times suggests that it’s “flat”, and the Hollywood Reporter says it’s “blandly generic”.

It’s also little surprise to discover that even the film’s creators are in on the act - suggesting that “Hoot” was commissioned merely to justify an advert that, through careful positioning, perpetuates the myth that owls living in the ground will consume blonde girls’ legs and should be steamrollered for their crimes.

Nb: Some species of owl DO bite Luke Wilson.

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London photo-anarchist “nic0″ counts among his many accomplishments the invention of a means to torture children and dogs simultaneously by supergluing them together at the armpit and face, and is a known proponent of robot horses. However, in taking on the might of the Not Enough Owls he has, frankly, bitten off more than he can regurgitate.

In an update last Friday, nic0 (the 0 is one of those charity bracelets that funds international terrorism) took up a firmly anti-NEO stance, denouncing our activities in a flurry of misdirected antagonism that Not Enough Owls will now address.

nic0 contests that Not Enough Owls:

• “is run by a seedy cabal of gaming hacks based in a small flat in Pimlico”;
• “seek to cherry-pick examples of owl-based discrimination in the games industry and use as a tool with which to beat developers and publishers into featuring their favoured animal species in undue and undeserving frequency”;
• “is in clear denial of the facts” [that owls are fairly represented in games];
• sees “an enemy where one doesn’t exist”.

It’s a tissue of lies that we will now blow our nose upon. Thoroughly. Using graphs.

On the first point - Not Enough Owls is an intra-national organisation supported by correspondents in two counties, with hosting services provided by a Coalition of the Wing-ed. Splinter factions, including the notorious Owl Qaeda, whose activities we dissociate ourselves from though we cannot completely condemn them, act outside the publicly stated goals of our organisation.

The assertion that we “seek to cherry-pick examples of owl-based discrimination […] as a tool with which to beat developers and publishers” is a pretty stunning example of what George Orwell called “doublespeak” - a concept later defined by Steven Poole, author of the contemporarist’s essential guide to speech that persuades by stealth, as Unspeak. Poole’s name contains two of the letters of the word “owl”, so it seems fair to assume he would back our assessment.

Orwell’s doublespeak involved saying something while believing the opposite. Which, as nic0 later ADMITTED, is exactly what he set about to do. You see, nic0 supports our goals; he merely wanted to write something fancy on his blog. He told me so.

Digging further, we see, as Poole would put it, the way that nic0 neatly shunts our RIGHTEOUS BATTLE into the literal wasteland of the abstract by claiming we “cherry-pick” - a rosy term used derisively to suggest we seek conflict. Trying to curry favour with the fruit-lovers, see! On the contrary, as can be seen in the WEALTH OF PROOF on these pages, all we do is report and respond, as we become aware of events and acts of owl-hate, on behalf of those who cannot. The owls.

Which brings us to another impressive term - “favoured animal species”. When anthropomorphised in the manner of, say, flagrant owl-haters Nintendo, owls are a tool for misinformation and hate. You didn’t like it when I claimed the ‘0′ in your name was a charity terrorism bracelet, did you, nic0? With no right of reply, you’re bound by that description. It is not true. I have used it as an example of how thoughtless phrasing in a forum to which the subject has no possibility of rejoinder is an act of ideological TERRORISM. I do not truly believe your bracelet name thing to fund terrorism; do you truly believe owls to be little more than an object to be favoured or not? Are they not creatures of HEART and SOUL? Do they not deserve to be FOUGHT FOR?

As to whether we are in clear denial of the facts - last Thursday Nintendo announced a global anti-owl movement, and spokespeople for the company declined to comment, rejecting our calls as we made them. It is fair to say that the majority of NEO’s reports skew negatively once they get going. But our position on issues like Blathers’ plight and the BBC’s anti-owl agenda is a self-fulfilling prophecy, says nic0. We find things to be evil because we are searching for evil. This, as anybody who read our stirring tribute to Wise Owl Software, or our celebration of Psygnosis, and Agony in particular, well knows, is far from the truth. We find things to be evil because nobody else has the evolutionary gizzard to do so.

nic0’s apparent proof of our denial is ancient BBC computers made out of money siphoned from the taxpayer’s pocket, from where it might otherwise have travelled to the coffers of pro-owl charities like the RSPB. The BBC OWL is a relic of a bygone era. As we’ve seen, it has little in common with the current regime. Bringing it up here is a bit like arguing that Ultra Magnus was the same as Optimus Prime because they both held the matrix at some point. Nice try.

And NEO sees an enemy where one does not exist? “Don’t let the pro-strigiform lobby win!” Your very own words, nic0. You enemy of the owls. QED.

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While astonishing and horrendous claims are being made across the internet to discredit our organisation’s work, their anti-owl funded counter-arguments are only made more ludicrous in the face of the continuous blatent owl hatred exhibited in mainstream gaming.

Nintendo have not made their strigiformiphobic position much of a mystery of late, and it appears that with each new release, the propoganda machine ruffles increasing numbers of feathers, before plucking them all out and dancing in them, naked, screaming.

Super Princess Peach, a new platformer for the Nintendo DS to be release next month, features the option to choose with which emotion the so-called “Princess” Peach should approach a situation. But none of those emotions appear to be remorse.

Three levels in and, shock-horror, who should the ‘enemy’ be? Of course, a giant owl. The undemocratically appointed monarch, in the long tradition of royalty slaughtering innocent wildlife, takes it upon herself to brutally murder the unarmed majestic creature.

And yet still they scoff at our plight. Yet still they claim there is no anti-owl agenda.

You will not see us coming when we swoop, Nintendo. YOU WILL NOT SEE YOUR DEATH.

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Nintendo - today outed as one of the most astonishing offenders in the secret fight to rid games of owls - has taken its most radical step yet in its shameful battle to suppress these noble creatures.

In response to this afternoon’s exposç¿ concerning the plight of Blathers - a once-proud owl drugged and used to propagate lies and stereotypes about his species - the company has effectively ruled out any chance owls had of appearing on its next-generation console by legislating against creatures without bladders.

“Wii will break down that wall that separates video game players from everybody else,” Nintendo said. That’s our emphasis - but the phrase stands out a mile away. It’s us and them, says Nintendo.

“No confusion. No need to abbreviate. Just Wii.” Unless you can’t of course, in which case you’re an owl, in which case you’re not welcome.

They’re rubbing our faces in it - and it stings our eyes.

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When you think of owls in games, there’s one that stands out from all the others, and that’s Blathers - the Animal Crossing Museum curator.

He encourages the townspeople to share a respectful, greedless relationship with nature and the arts by enshrining their fish, bugs, fossils and paintings in his magnificent Museum, while his sister Celeste helps them install and locate constellations in the sky.

It’s hard to think of a nobler, more industrious gaming owl than Blathers - and few would begrudge him the luxury of his restful perch and position of social and economic security.

Then again, few can understand his plight, or the scale of the conspiracy behind the unspoken oppression that shackles him.

Although he appeared in the GameCube version, it was only in the DS game Wild World that Nintendo reluctantly acknowledged his wisdom by allowing him to examine fossils himself - previously, they had to be sent off to some foreign Museum first. Most players saw this as a time saving move and welcomed it, but for Nintendo it was like offering a dogshit taco to a naked sex-slave and watching people clap.

You may think you know a little of Blathers’ history, but then history’s written by the winners - and in this case the winners have a lot invested in Blathers’ unwitting cover. The Nintendo version explains that he used to live in another town with Brewster, the coffee-serving eagle masquerading as a pigeon. NICE TRY, NINTENDO. Only in a world as upside down and institutionally stringiformiphobic as this one could such an obvious lie enjoy any kind of credibility. Ask yourself: would Blathers, whose knowledge of the world is clearly so vast, really pal around with some diurnal fucktard who can’t even keep a coffee shop going?

Celeste, introduced on the DS, is continually on his case about how he’s asleep, but it’s more sinister than sibling rivalry. She’s a plant, probably not even an owl; a duplicitous little wench positioned by the owl-hating plumber-fucking fascists that installed Blathers in the first place, whose only accord with nature is a standing agreement with the diurnals to keep him doped up and out of their hunting grounds. Celeste doesn’t talk about his being asleep because she’s frustrated by it; she talks about his being asleep because IT’S HER JOB TO MAKE SURE HE STAYS THAT WAY.

Nintendo can’t help rubbing it in, either, building in software routines to encourage you to try and deceive Blathers - to DECEIVE OWLS - by foisting fake paintings upon him. Ironically, even as he slips further away from sanity, he can still tell the difference. Nintendo knows it needn’t worry, however, thanks to the well funded Tom Nook, a whore to the anti-owl agenda whose malevolence needs little illustration, and whose stock is continually replenished as a sweetener for offering to buy things better kept in Blathers’ museum.

Easily the greatest tragedy though is the manner of Blathers’ suppression. He’s so overly medicated that he’s barely awake at night, when he should be in his prime, let alone during the day, and at this point so heavily drugged that even his own inherent instincts have been reversed and he’s actually scared of pesky, six-legged nonsense barely fit to know the soft embrace of his blunted talons. In this way, many befriend him by playing up to a fear of insects he can’t even help or understand. Little do they know that Blathers’ is an unendurable agony that grows increasingly unknown to him as his defences are broken down while the world around him watches and laughs at his quirky lifestyle. If ever a creature deserved closure, it’s Blathers.

But Nintendo won’t give it to him. They’re happy to watch him suffer, to watch him derided on websites and even right to his face. Theirs is an oppression of incomparable malice. Soon we will rise up against them, and nothing - not even their fancy red dungarees - will be able to withstand the blows we shall rain upon them.

IT WON’T BE ENOUGH, SHIGERU.

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One might be inclined to suggest that if there were any company in the history of videogaming which had supported owls, it might be Psygnosis.

Famed for their owl emblem, it can only be believed that they were on the owl’s side, defending their honour in an industry hell-bent on seeing them wiped out completely.

Further evidence of their belief in the vital importance of owls came in the form of 1992’s Agony. The horizontally scrolling shoot ‘em up featured a main character, a magician’s apprentice, who is changed into the form of an owl, because that is the form best suited for defeating evil, and discovering the secret of cosmic strength.

So it should come as no surprise to anyone that the company was bought by Sony in 1993. Such an open and honest portrayal of owls in the business would never do. The machevellian puppeteers controlling the games industry could never allow a company to defy their fiercely anti-owl position, and immediately orders were given to the biggest puppet of them all, Sony, to take complete control of the company, and FORCE them to develop non-owl related games for the Playstation.

Eventually even the owl emblem was BANNED, and in 1999 the name ‘Psygnosis’ was entirely abandoned to obliterate any links between Sony Computer Entertainment and game-based owls. Sony continue to this day to spread their strigiformiphobia throughout the industry, in order that the Gaming Overlords allow them their dominant position.

We aren’t afraid of you, Sony, and we aren’t afraid of your Masters. We know what you did, and nothing will stop us from exposing your wanton anti-owl position.